I know sometimes I’m a bitch, and sometimes I say and do things that I probably shouldn’t. I’m ignorant, I’m selfish, I’m over dramatic, and some days, I’m just a complete mess. But for the past year and a half, I’ve had one person who has dealt with my selfish, undeserving ass no matter what. I may piss him off, or push him away in some way, but he stays. And that’s more than I could ever ask for. I don’t know what I did to deserve this kind of person in my life, and yet here I am, with a “Goodnight, I love you” text every night, and a “Good morning!” Text every morning. There are so many things I could have never gotten through, if he wasn’t there telling me it was all going to be okay. He makes my days worth getting up for in the morning. He makes life easier, just by being there, and being himself. So Zack, thank you. I don’t care if this is long, or sappy, or whatever. Thank you for being there for me everyday. I only hope that I am able to do the same for you. I have never felt feelings so strong for so long for one person, and I hope to god those feelings never go away. I’m thankful for you everyday if my life. I’m sorry that I’m stubborn, and stupid, and just plain me. But I love you more than anything in the world. I love you so much, and happy 18 months. A year and a half, and so much longer to go.
One day I’ll be able to look back on all this shit, and be able to laugh about it, and brush it off. It fucking sucks right now. I was kicked out of the band I loved like a family, and replaced with another girl not even two days later. But I can get out there again. I’m not going to let myself sit here and accept that my dream is over, because it’s not, it is only put on hold. One day when we’re all grown up, I’ll be able to wear my 5 Times Over sweatshirt again, because no one will know what it is. Only a high school band, that’s what it;ll stay. And it might suck right now, hell it really fucking sucks right now. But through the band I have met amazing people, who will give me an upper hand when I come around to getting back into the music scene. I will not give up on something I want to work so hard for.
I’ve come to a conclusion;
If I want to continue writing lyrics, I need a new notebook.
This one I have now won’t do anymore. As much as I love it. The tattered notebook, with a cover of The Beatles, and my name stuck across it in foam letters, with a bent spine, and ripped corners. A notebook that cost me less than a dollar at Walmart.
But I can’t use it anymore. I don’t know why, it just wouldn’t feel right to keep using it. So many thoughts, and feelings, and words have been stuck upon the pages of this notebook. But all of that has ended, and it would feel like a betrayal if I continued to use it.
I need a new one. It could have anything on it. I just need a new one to keep writing my lyrics in..
Anyone can sit there and tell me that I’m beautiful.
But I swear,
You’re the only person that has ever made me feel it.
Okay, I’m just going to vent a tad, and I don’t know how to make a read more on my iPod. So you can ignore this if you like.
They told me, that the direction they were going in with their music, didn’t suit me anymore. It wasn’t my “forte”. And I just hung my head, and stared at my lap, while they told me it’s a “business thing” and not a personal thing. I took it very personally, extremely personally. I took it as that they want to further their career, and I’m the one holding them back. That I’m not good for the band anymore. They didn’t even tell me thank you, or that they were thankful for everything I’ve done for this band. Nothing. They handed me $150 (out of the HUNDREDS this band has made with me) and hugged me and said sorry. I tried so hard.. so. hard. to not cry in front of these guys. But they had just crushed everything I have worked for. I’ve tried so fucking hard, because from the beginning, they’ve been pushing and pushing me and I’ve been changing myself for them, so that I could continue living out my dream with these boys. And I did. We recorded an EP, we played at The Knitting Factory Concert House, we played many many shows for many many people. I spent two years with that band. And suddenly, they feels as though they don’t need me anymore, that I’m no use for them anymore. I left that house in tears, and broke down in the car with my mom just staring at me, asking what happened. I wanted to crawl in a hole. I wanted someone to pinch me, and I wanted to wake up from this nightmare I was having. But it was no dream, it was reality. I have just been let go from something I dedicated so much of my life to. I have just been kicked out of the band. And I didn’t know how to take it. I took the wad of money they were handing me, and I left. I will never be back there again. I’ll never enter that house again. I’ll never play a show with those boys again, I’ll never be a part of that band again. That was it. It’s over now. I just hate it. I don’t want them to keep using the same band name, I want to change it. I’m not in it anymore, it’s not 5 Times Over anymore. Because I WAS the face of 5 Times Over, it’s not recognizable without me as a part of it. I want them to not play my songs ever again. I don’t even want them to replace me. I want them to stop, but I know that’s not going to happen. Knowing these boys, they’ve already got someone lined up to take my place. But god. I don’t want to tell the world yet. Because I’ve been known as the lead singer of this band. Some people only know me as that. How am I supposed to walk around when that has been stripped from me? What kind of reaction am I going to get when I try and start a new band? I don’t know what to do. I just know that I feel like part of me was taken away, and crushed. I feel like part of my life just ended. I feel so much emptier now that this has been snatched from me. And so fucking fast. It happened within a matter of minutes, with no warning.
But I suppose I will be okay. It happens, right? Bands break up. Some people don’t make it, some people do. This wasn’t the end of the line for me, it was the end of the line for 5 Times Over. The end of a chapter in my life. I will be okay, even though right now it doesn’t really feel like it. It will be okay, won’t it?
I’m okay. Everything’s okay. A huge part of my life may have ended, but it just gives me room to improve, and keep building. Everything is okay.
Every time I’m laying with you, I just wanna soak it all in and tell you over and over how much I love you. I never want the smell of your clothes to escape my senses, or the feel of your hand on my waist. It makes me never want to get out of that bed and go back to the real world.
If I could put into words the things I felt, I’m sure I’d be talking for hours.
If words could muster up from feelings of love and happiness, I could write a book about just you,
And how you are the cause for those words, and feelings.
I don’t care what people think, or say, or do.
I only care for you, and this, and us.
Because sometimes, like this one, I catch my self thinking about you, and this, and us.
And I think about yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
And I think about how if emotions were words, I’d have words pouring out of my mouth like water every time I came near you.
Even if I’m quiet, I’ll just stare, simply because I can’t make out sentences from the clouds of feeling that gather in my head, my soul, my heart.
And it’s all because of you.
And it will always be because of you.
One year ago, I was just a girl with a crush. And one year ago today, that crush asked me to be his girlfriend, and that was the best thing to ever happen to me. That boy, became my best friend, and the most wonderful boyfriend any girl could ask for. He’s made me the happiest person I’ve ever been, and I really believe he brings out the best in me. I wouldn’t be able to function without this kid. So happy first anniversary, Zack. I love you to the moon and back, and I always will. :)